My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.