@fluffysuse: If it's your imperfections that make you beautiful, I'm pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
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@mompsychologist: Husband: So we've basically given up. Me: On what? H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
@iamspacegirl: Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain. Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too. And maybe the me: dude, that's my mom's cassero- C: Spain.
@KeetPotato: cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"