If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!