If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.