As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
so weird how every mom was born today
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?