@TomTheWicked: If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.
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@jewfacekilla: Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
@JPHaddadio: Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
@Crunk_Jews: [first day as Tour Guide in History Museum] "And if you look over here you'll see a lot more really old shit."