defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”