People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
*offers Batman cough drops*
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.