@GrrrRach: If Jehovah's witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I'd gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
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@aidanjsears: INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast ME: *shows up four hours later* INTERVIEWER: you're hired
@SortaBad: If you're in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it's unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
@VeganZebra: *walks into IT department attempting to look cool* You guys torrent any emails lately?