If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.