If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[shakes fist at other fist]
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
ouch