@themorris23: If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like "whatever Jesus, the book was better."
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@PlatinumShower: Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.
@seamussaid: FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys
@envydatropic: The forecast isn't calling for rain so I'm just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
@SortaBad: Princess: U alone? Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater. P: lol. wut? L: ya idk. meet up? P: sure. go-karts L: k i'll bring bananas