If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The human personality is made of five key elements
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My inexpensive home security system…
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?