If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
You Might Also Like
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Do not levitate over flowers
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle