If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun