Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
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First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”