@ArelyCorral: If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
@djdarrellripley: Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street? Me: I was only going one way...
@KeetPotato: [1st day as cop] captain: "why did you call for back up" me: "there was a fly in my car" swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"