@ArelyCorral: If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
@markedly: Me: Thanks Cashier: No, thank YOU Me: ...if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
@Just_Lee_: The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
@ashleycrem: HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.