If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
They’re called werewolves.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Worst bar ever.