If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I feel seen.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late