Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can