If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
The government even made aliens boring
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL