@xysist: If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing? ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
@DanMentos: My coworker used to joke "I'm allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!". Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
@SarcasticCharm: Please pray for my friends' 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn't photographed or documented on Facebook today.