Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?