@raydevito: If Kim Kardashian is allowed to sue Old Navy b/c a model looks like her, then Khloe Kardashian should expect a lawsuit from Chewbacca.
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@TheMichaelRock: HR: welcome to sexual harassment training. Me *raises hand* I'm gonna leave. HR: it's mandatory. Me: There's nobody here I would harass.
@luckyshirt: The World: "It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now." McCain: "Hold my alligator."
@david8hughes: [police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."
@SirEviscerate: *shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds* *hits 'stop recording' on outgoing voicemail message*