My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Intelligence is the new cleavage
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.