Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.