@SamGirlSunday: If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: I was named after my grandfather. Me: Of course you were, he was born first.
@BlindVigil: *Farmer walks into job application Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn't have a computer. Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
@Mr_Kapowski: "Don't tell me how to raise my cat!," I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth