If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.