Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge