If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”