@baeblacksheep: If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day.
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@mydmac: I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It's only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
@Bahstonlady: Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
@jonnysun: hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
@jakob_huber: Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.