@baeblacksheep: If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day.
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@kumailn: "Bikini faux pas: are you guilty?" As a guy, it's very hard to imagine the bullshit that women are bombarded with.
@UkeOfEarl1: [Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh
@noog: [outside eden] Adam: This isnt so bad Eve: Yea Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this [5 min later] Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
@mommy_cusses: Settle down, school picture day packages. I don't need a body pillow with my son's face embroidered on it for $400.