If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
This is my brand.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?