I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Mood.. 😂
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!