If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
He’s cranky this morning
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time