I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
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KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
For the orator and chef in all of us
Guys, I found it.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I’m good, thanks.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”