If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Breaking news:
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again