I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Well, that didn’t work.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.