@Shock_Monster: If life had a 'CTRL + ALT + DEL' option, you bet your ass I'd be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
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@TheCiscoKidder: Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line. Me: That's because I haven't had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
@NicestHippo: "Bro she's a cold digger" [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?
@LorieGZ: Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in! My daughter: You shouldn't wish for that..you're the one that does the laundry!