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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
My first child will be named New Folder.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me