Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.