[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.