@IamEnidColeslaw: if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd
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@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."
@mikefossey: (I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
@Deirdreocx: [Courtroom] Judge: Have you been up before me? Convict: I don't know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
@BrianHDot: Chinese Food: $16.72 Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94 Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless