My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
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I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“you changed” bro i was 15
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My love language is deader than Latin
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”