In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.