If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
💁🏻♂️
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”