“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.