Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
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Happy Caturday!
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Cashiers are always checking me out
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
#ProTip
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.