@juliussharpe: If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they'd shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
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@NurseMurderer: My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."
@BritishNicx: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
@JohnLyonTweets: Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it? Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
@baeblacksheep: ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car's shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I'm sexy.