If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
That’s what I call a flat tire
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
okay run it by me one more time
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”