If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My time has come.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”