If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*