If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
this is the news I live for
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
*bites zombie*
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.