If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no