@Storminika: If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's would be doing it.
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@jordan_stratton: [job interview] Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I'll be able to buy pants. I can't just skip ahead to the last step.
@SteveSackington: For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to 'Brandy from the club' then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am. #topahole
@InternetHippo: me: our president is dumb as hell, he’s always tweeting you: you’re always tweeting me: i’m…that’s different
@hippieswordfish: nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free