@Storminika: If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's would be doing it.
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@drinksmcgee: "Cover your mouth when you cough or I'll kill you and your entire family" - The new motivational poster I've hung in my office at work
@Bad_Ass_Trucker: Me: Did you hear that? Her: Go check it out Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first Her: You'll be alright
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Pharrell eating at Arby's] "I want a new look" Like a new hair cut? "Something crazier" *notices the hat in the Arby's logo* "I've got it!"
@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt