@Storminika: If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's would be doing it.
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@2tonbug: I hate when I'm in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
@shutupmikeginn: The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
@kyry5: [God creating the stingray] Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought "what if I made my bathmat a murderer?"