If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
You Might Also Like
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
So the ex texted me