@tpurvis06: If men had periods our commercials would be awesome...
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@lovemydogduck: I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
@AndyAsAdjective: Uncle Frank's will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store. He will be mist.
@phalguy: [At dentist] Dentist: Any plans for the weekend? Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff Dentist: I'm not doing anything either.
@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.