If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
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If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.