If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.