@n0tblonde: If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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@SteveDutzy: I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
@tartadepollo: I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
@BigBagOfScum: Waiter, "Welcome to red lobster, I'm your seafood expert." me- "did you know octopuses have a beak?" W-"no" Me- "who's the expert now?"